Thoughts and Words

Recently, the New York Public Library hosted a tribute to the late George Carlin.  Best known for his monologue on “Seven Dirty Words You Can’t Say On Television”, I honestly believe Mr. Carlin was ahead of his time, much like Lenny Bruce, but without the accidental fatal OD. 

Anyhow, I thought to myself, “Self” -– because that’s what I call myself when I’m around me -- “Self, give your audience the Seven Dirty Words.  They deserve to know about Carlin and how he revolutionized comedy.  Start with the Seven, then give them some more. Like Baseball vs. Football, that one always wins. Yeah, then move on to the bit about children. That’ll hook ‘em.”

So, here it is:

Click here for Seven Dirty Words

 

“Something else I'm getting tired of in this country is all this stupid talk I have to listen to about children. That's all you hear anymore, children: "Help the children, save the children, protect the children." You know what I say? Fuck the children! Fuck ‘em! Fuck kids; they're getting entirely too much attention.

And I know what some of you are thinking: "Jesus, he's not going to attack children, is he?" Yes he is! He's going to attack children. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking; I know what I'm talking about.

And I also know that all you boring single dads and working moms, who think you're such fucking heroes, aren't gonna like this, but somebody's gotta tell you for your own good: your children are overrated and overvalued, and you've turned them into little cult objects. You have a child fetish, and it's not healthy. And don't give me all that weak shit, "Well, I love my children." Fuck you! Everybody loves their children; it doesn't make you special.

John Wayne Gacy loved his children. Yes, he did. He kept ‘em all right out in the yard, near the garage. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is this constant, mindless yammering in the media, this neurotic fixation that suggests that somehow everything--everything--has to revolve around the lives of children. It's completely out of balance.

Listen, there are a couple of things about kids you have to  remember. First of all, they're not all cute. In fact, if you look at 'em real close, most of them are rather unpleasant looking. And a lot of them don't smell too good either. The little ones in particular seem to have a kind of urine and sour-milk combination that I don't care for at all. Stay with me on this folks, the sooner you face it the better off you’re going to be.

Second premise: not all children are smart and clever. Got that? Kids are like any other group of people: a few winners, a whole lot of losers! This country is filled with loser kids who simply...aren't...going anywhere! And there's nothing you can do about it, folks. Nothing! You can't save them all. You can't do it. You gotta let 'em go; you gotta cut 'em loose; you gotta stop overprotecting them, because your making 'em too soft. Today's kids are way too soft.

For one thing, there's too much emphasis on safety and safety equipment: childproof medicine bottles, fireproof pajamas, child restraints, car seats. And helmets! Bicycle, baseball, skateboard, scooter helmets. Kids have to wear helmets now for everything but jerking off. Grown-ups have taken all the fun out of being a kid, just to save a few thousand lives. It’s pathetic.

What's happened is, these baby boomers, these soft, fruity baby boomers, have raised an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who aren't even allowed hazardous toys, for Chrissakes! Hazardous toys, shit! What ever happened to natural selection? Survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn't grow up to have kids of his own. Simple stuff. Nature knows best!

We’re saving entirely too many lives in this country – of all ages! Nature should be permitted to do its job weeding out and killing off the weak and sickly and ignorant people, without interference from airbags and batting helmets. We’re lowering the human gene pool! If these ideas bother you, just think of them as passive eugenics.

Here’s another example of overprotection for these kids, and you’ve seen this one on the news. Did you ever notice that every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls into the school yard and kills three or four of these fuckin’ kids and a couple of teachers, the next day the school is overrun with psychologists and psychiatrists and grief counselors and trauma therapists, trying to help the children cope?

Shit! When I was a kid, and some guy came to our school and killed three or four of us, we went right on with our arithmetic: “Thirty-five classmates minus four equals thirty-one.” We were tough! I say if a kid can handle the violence at home, he oughta be able to handle the violence at school.

Another bunch of ignorant bullshit about your children: school uniforms. Bad theory! The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps keep order. Hey! Don't these schools do enough damage makin' all these children think alike? Now they're gonna get 'em to look alike, too?

And it's not even a new idea; I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand, because the narration was in German! But the uniforms looked beautiful. And the children did everything they were told and never questioned authority. Gee, I wonder why someone would want to put our children in uniforms. Can't imagine.

And one more item about children: this superstitious nonsense of blaming tobacco companies for kids who smoke. Listen! Kids don't smoke because a camel in sunglasses tells them to. They smoke for the same reasons adults do, because it's an enjoyable activity that relieves anxiety and depression.

And you'd be anxious and depressed too if you had to put up with pathetic, insecure, yuppie parents who enroll you in college before you've even figured out which side of the playpen smells the worst and then fill you with Ritalin to get you in a mood they approve of, and drag you all over town in search of empty, meaningless structure: Little League, Cub Scouts,
swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, watercolors, witchcraft, glass blowing, and dildo practice. It's absurd.

They even have "play dates", for Christ’s sake! Playing is now done by appointment! Whatever happened to “You show me your wee-wee, and I’ll show you mine”? You never hear that anymore.

But it's true. A lot of these striving, anal parents are burning their kids out on structure. I think what every child needs and ought to have every day is two hours of daydreaming. Plain old daydreaming. Turn off the internet, the CD-ROMs, and the computer games and let them stare at a tree for a couple of hours. It’s good for them. And you know something? Every now and then they actually come up with one of their own ideas. You want to know how to help your kids? Leave them the fuck alone!”

A short debate

A friend of mine recently posted this note on his Facebook page, under the title “I will happily help pay for your chemo. Please stop yelling.”:

I enjoy socialized roads, socialized police and fire protection, socialized food inspection, and many other benefits of living in a modern, first-world country. I'm not super-keen on a socialized military* or socialized trade agreements (or at least the scale and manner in which they are used), but I understand my some of my fellow citizens feel differently, and hey that's Ok in a democracy. I also think I'd enjoy having socialized medicine. My own direct benefits aside, I also benefit when my peers are healthier. It's a universal problem that would do well with a universal solution - like roads, police and fire, food inspection, defense, and trade negotiation.

Personally, I wish this was a healthcare reform bill - in fact, it is a health insurance reform bill, and like all bills in a democracy, a watered-down compromise. But it's a step in the right direction. I support more - I'd prefer a single-payer system - but I understand such radical changes require time.

And I totally respect your right to disagree. With reasoned arguments and a civil tone.

(*) The alternative to a socialized military - local strong men and militias - is far worse, most would agree. But we could scale back our national military by a factor of 10 and still have an effective force, at least for deterrence. Which is all I want a standing military for, anyway. Well, that and disaster response, I suppose.

Although I agree with Clint on a great many things, there are a few points on which our thoughts diverge.

For example, the idea of a single-payer health insurance system turns my stomach. Not to say that I am completely opposed to health insurance reform altogether; just in the manner in which the insurance is paid for.

Should health insurance be regulated? Yes, absolutely. Should the government have complete control over it? No. I understand that peace of mind, as well as peace of body, is paramount to every person alive. However, I have seen abuse of the single-payer system, e.g. welfare fraud. It sickens me to know that the money taken from my paycheck to pay into Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid is being used by people who won’t (not can’t) get a job to buy their drugs of choice, be it illicit or proper. But I digress.

A single-payer system is not the ultimate solution to the problem of health insurance costs. Regulation, oversight, auditing, and constant review are what I see as necessary to true health insurance reform.

And by the way, the local strong men and militia usually join the police force. They get off on the power.

Okay, I’m stepping off the soap box now.

Waking up is not so hard to do…

So I woke up this morning, and I’m lying in bed, letting the local PBS station play it’s soothing wake-up call. I listen to it at night, helps me fall asleep. 

The song finishes, and the announcer comes on, plugging the “Sonic ID” clips they play throughout the day, with sounds of nature, or of cars passing on the streets, or children playing, what have you. 

He mentions that they would like more ideas for these to draw more attention to the station.  Okay, that’s fine, it’s just going to get more people for pledge drives, anyway.

Then he mentions that PBS is expanding their variety within their programming, at which point he says, “For example, this afternoon on Fresh Aire, they are broadcasting an interview with a professional dominatrix.”

Okay, I’m awake now. What? Am I hearing things? Did you just say that they’ve interviewed a professional dominatrix? Wow. I’d have figured they’d leave that to the morning talk show on the alternative station.